0-10% depressed- I am only at this low level of depression when I am drunk or on drugs. Seems like by ingesting mind altering substances the depressing thoughts that constantly surround my mind are overwritten by whatever I am doing when drunk or high. This has led me to develop a semi-addictive personality, since I like to not be depressed. I was a chronic weed smoker for two years because it made me feel good. Now I get drunk almost every weekend because it feels good. I call this 'semi-addictive behavior' because even though I do not need to be on these substances I would rather. I don't know.
15-25% depressed- I find myself at this level of depression whenever I am with people, not alone. When I am with people I feel like I have to think less and be there more. I feel like I should be lively and actively participate in the interaction. Maybe I am not really less depressed when I am with people but mask my depression very well.
40-65% depressed- This is my 'normal stage'. This is the level of depression I usually am. The things that make me depressed to this level are many common things I see around me: the way a person acts, what he/she says (usually something incredibly stupid or superficial [brought about probably by lack of self-awareness]), the mall, the music that gets played on the radio, night clubs, provocative clothes, models, money, etc. Maybe I'll write a post later of all the things that depress me.
70-85% depressed- This is a 'danger zone'. When I am at this level of depression I know that I need to do something soon to prevent me from entering a downward spiral. I mostly arrive at this stage after prolonged periods of bleakness, stuck at previous level. This level is characterized by constant to nonstop thoughts of the things that get me depressed usually as well as questioning my life and what I am doing with it. "What am I doing with my life?" Like being depressed because I am depressed *~*meta*~*
90-100% depressed- I have only been at this level three or four times in my life. This level is usually triggered by a particular event, rather than the combination of thoughts about distressing things. The last time I was at this level was in the beginning of the year. I stayed in my room and didn't talk to anybody for a whole week. I drank vodka every night. I cleaned my room very thoroughly and organized my closet and drawers like I had never before. Every time I get out of this level I feel okay, I feel like it's gonna be harder for me to get to this level again.
The gaps between levels are transition zones. I pointed these out because that's what I can easily identify.
The gaps between levels are transition zones. I pointed these out because that's what I can easily identify.
It seems funny that things that are meant to depress people (depressing music, sad movies, etc) don't have that effect on me, or they do but because they don't. I feel like a robot a lot. I feel immensely detached from most things. I don't feel like I'm authentically experiencing [something] 95% of the time.
