How To 'Procrastinate' or Whatever

Arrive to the second to last week of your school session e.g. the end of spring semester; the beginning of summer, though not really. Think of spring as summer just because you want it to be.

Have 1~5 assignments due for different classes by some time next week; it's the weekend.

Have an awesome weekend. Start Friday. Get drunk both days. Spend time with a girl you like. Go to a concert. Get high. Eat a lot. Have a lot of fun but don't really remember it consciously because you're 'living the moment'; you only remember it Sunday Morning, when you stop having fun because you have to work on your school work.

Be awoken by your alarm at 10:00 a.m. to watch a soccer game and take constant trips to the kitchen for snacks through the day. Remember how last nite you said you'd start doing work right after you woke up and realize you're not because you don't want to yet. Watch the soccer game, eat a bean burrito for breakfast. After the soccer game watch only one episode of The X-Files. After that watch another one.

At four p.m. stop doing things you want to do and try to start working on your school work. Open a new Microsoft Word Document. Type your name, date, etc. Type a 'tentative title'. Change it a couple times. Get up and go to the kitchen, get a cup, there's no water, keep looking around for water even though you know there isn't any. Sight a box of water bottles and get one. Open it, drink some. Walk back to your desk.

Type a Tentative First Sentence. Is it good enough? Rewrite vaguely the same thing in 'different words' two or three times. Type a second sentence. Type a long, possibly 'run on sentence'. See that you have written a paragraph, take a break.

Look up "instant ramen with egg" on YouTube. Watch this. Mirror the man in the video in your own kitchen. Nice.

Eat the ramen soup in front of the TV. Start watching a soccer game. Slowly eat your food. Finish your food and make some more, just because. E.g tostadas with cheese. During half time mute the TV and write one sentence. Get distracted by the TV for twenty minutes then remember the sentence you typed. Look it at it again. It sounds cliché, think of lots of things as 'cliché'. Feel detached from your own words. Like if you were being told your life from a third-person narrative or something. Watch more TV.

Miss the girl you like.

Before the game is almost over make some coffee, finish watching the game at 8 p.m.

Walk to your room. Try on a couple new shirts you got. Clean around a little. Gather all your school materials, books, notes, etc. Sit down in front of your laptop on Microsoft Word. Go on Facebook. Read about people procrastinating. Think it's funny. Write a How To Blog Post about procrastination. Realize it's the first time in the day you've been still kind of. Wonder if you have ADHD while you watch videos on the internet. Go back to Facebook and 'share' it. Click on your own link and read the thing you wrote. Thoroughly review and edit the post. Be distracted by Facebook comments on your post through the night. Start Seriously Working on your paper at 9 a.m. and hope that you finish soon.

*The author feels detached of the meaning of conventional procrastination; doesn't think it exists. [image.]