Things That Make Me Feel A Positive or Neutral Feeling (or Would, Today March 30th 2011)

1. Sleeping
2. Eating
3. Smoking weed
4. Playing soccer
5. Writing things
6. Listening to Grouper
7. Listening to Puro Instinct
8. Listening to Ariel Pink's album "Before Today"
9. Making out with someone while listening to any of those^^
10. Not feeling like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders/neck. (Not meant as the commonly used cliche for pressure, but actual pain. My neck hurts.)
11. Reading things on Thought Catalog
12. A funnie Hipster Runoff post
13. Buying some things at Goodwill
14. Stealing things from Target or Walmart
15. That it was hot enough to just be naked
16. Making some music (and actually like it)
17. That it was summer already
18. Being able to truly forget I have homework to do
19. Meeting someone I can take interest in
20. Going to a dance event and daring to actually dance
21. FYF '11
22. More good books
23. Maybe an iPad, even though I decided I won't get it; it'd still be pretty sweet.
24. Being able to sit through a whole movie on Netflix without opening __ other tabs.
25. Some ice cream
26. B00bs
27. A hug
28. Knowing how to swim
29. A pool
30. Playing pool
31. Being less self-aware/losing some of my bleakness
32. Having a Guinea pig as a pet
33. Less retarded people
34. Getting a job
35. Getting a handjob
36. Getting a blowjob
37. White noise
38. Finding more good music on Gorilla vs. Bear
39. Losing body fat
40. A new meme
41. People liking my Facebook posts/being retweeted
42. More things to write on this list

When It Was Monday Morning

His alarm clock rang at 8:00 a.m. His cellphone alarm rang two minutes before. He turned both of them off without getting out of bed and went back to sleep. He woke up twenty-six minutes after, at 8:26 a.m. He was bitter the weekend had ended, it had been a good weekend. He thought "Monday." Then thought about whether 'Monday' and 'mundane' came from the same Greek root word and what possible relation both of the words could have. He got out of bed and put on clothes. He wore a beanie so he wouldn't have to do anything to his hair. He boiled water for coffee then peed. He did things in the restroom. He heard the water boiling and turned it off and made his coffee. He thought about the 'perfect sugar to coffee' ratio. Probably two sugar tablespoons for each spoonful of coffee. He thought "Spoons. Spooning."

He got in his car, carrying a bag, his coffee, whole wheat/multi grain sweet bread, and drove to college. He ate in his car while driving on the freeway. He listened to "Bright Lit Blue Skies" by Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti and mumbled as if singing, but he didn't really sing because it was Monday. He got to school and walked to class. He saw a man on crutches trying to get out of his car. He asked if he needed help and the man said no, so he kept walking to class. He usually liked his first class, except for some of the people in it.

He opened his classroom door and the most annoying girl of all time screeched "Good morning!". He replied in a droney tone "Hello" and sat on his desk while reading "Eat When You Feel Sad" by Zachary German. The girl kept talking to the other 3 people in the classroom. He heard the girl talk about how her Starbucks coffee was 'way too strong' for her, and began making assumptions about what they had done to her drink. She said maybe they had put a shot in it or something, she then walked around the classroom like a crack addict just that instead of crack she's addicted to attention and she was desperately fiending it. (An attention addict?) He took his cellphone out and updated his Facebook. "You make me wish I had a shotgun, to shoot you in the face with it" he typed, referring to the attention addict. He thought the wish alone to shoot her was useless, it only mattered if he actually did it.

A Korean woman who is probably thirty-something years old and divorced her husband a while ago sits next to him. She got there and saw him reading "Eat When You Feel Sad" by Zachary German. She said "Good thing that you're young and have a fast metabolism. When you get to thirty it all starts catching up to you." He said "Maybe I won't make it to thirty". "Well if there's sinners there's going to be people" she replied. He stayed quiet and thought "She believes in the concept of 'sins'". He thought she had 'flirted' with him last week when she said he had beautiful eyes, but wasn't really sure if she was just being nice.

In class they talked about interpersonal, personal communication. Not for professional, but social purposes. The professor talked about self-disclosure. He thought he knew about this. There are four quadrants of information about you, regarding self-disclosure. Self disclosure is the revelation of things to others that they otherwise wouldn't know. That which is known to one's self and known to others is open information. That which is not known to one's self but is known to others is blind information. That which is known to one's self but unknown to others is hidden information. That which is unknown to both is unknown information. All from the person's point of view. The larger your open quadrant of information is, the easier it is for interpersonal, personal communication to exist. "No one knows anything about me. I talk to no one IRL" he thought.

The teacher said something about reading a book in public to let people know you're not interested in them. He thought "Maybe I choose to read subconsciously so that no one would talk to me", then he realized "I don't do it subconsciously".

Then they talked about how the internet is affecting communication. He spoke in class. He said "Facebook diminished the meaning of the word 'friends' because not every one you add 'as a friend' is really your friend". The thirty-something Korean woman said "When I came back to school I was sad when I saw all the kids in the lobby typing with a blank expression on their faces". He thought "I'm one of those people". Another girl said one time she saw her friend type "LOL" and not laugh out loud and she thought it was funny. He remembered about one time when that happened to him too. The attention addicted girl said she liked talking about herself and the teacher said that was fine but we're not 'supposed to' listen. Another girl agreed and both of the girl's eyes met and they kind of insulted one another via stares. "Bitch" they probably thought about one another.

He thought it would be funny if they started to fight.

Class ended. He ate a plum while walking upstairs to the third floor. He saw girls. He felt like they were looking at him, maybe they thought he looked good. He stood outside his classroom, reading while eating a plum.

He walked into the classroom and put his things under his desk. He looked around. The girl that usually sits next to him wasn't there and there was another girl to his other side. He said hi. She smiled and said hi. They had to find partners for discussion and they didn't talk for the rest of the class.

When class ended, he thought about going to the library to do homework but he didn't. He ate a granola bar. He walked through the parking lot and someone called him. He got close to a car and saw his friend in there. He said he was going to smoke weed. They smoked weed. Then they drove away. They drove next to each other for a while, they screamed things at one another and it felt like they were racing. He thought "Maybe races are really started by two people simultaneously coinciding in the feeling of being in a race".

He had to pump gas. It was really expensive. He stood next to the gas pump while his car was being filled with gasoline. He thought vaguely of pumping gas being like throwing money away or something. It was evil. Gas companies just fucking with people however they want. He thought about the concept of money until he remembered he was high.

He drove fast. He listened to "Lost at Sea" by Puro Instinct. He saw a person walking on the street and thought about what it'd be like to run over a person. He got on the freeway and thought he had seen everything before. He listened to Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti. He liked Ariel Pink because his music reminds him of LA. He thought Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti's record titled "Before Today" was really good. It all had a cohesive sound or something. "New Ariel Pink still sounds like (old) Ariel Pink, even if it isn't all lo-fi anymore. It's just good music". He thought 'those terms/words don't mean anything' while thinking about 'lo-fi' and other things that don't mean anything. He drove fast.

He was close to home. He listened to "Can't Hear My Eyes" by Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti and thought about a girl. He liked the lyrics and thought it'd be cool to have sex or make out with that song playing in the background. "I think too many hypothetical sexual situations" he thought, "Who cares". He got to his house, and ate a whole bag of chips he had stole in Tijuana, a banana, and drank some orange juice. He wrote things on the internet and kept eating.

On Creatively Expanding (Understanding) the Concept of a Pillow

I've never used pillows. Well not in the conventional sense of resting one's head on a pillow to 'rest' anyways. I have one main pillow that serves mainly as decoration i.e. so that the side of the bed I sleep on doesn't look 'empty'. I also have two smaller pillows that are also decorative mainly, but I use them more when I lay in bed against the wall or something. I've never needed to have a pillow to sleep, like other people. I had limited the concept of a pillow to pillows. How objective is a pillow really?

Last nite I couldn't sleep. I 'tossed and turned' for like an hour until I began to feel desperate and thought "maybe I should take some NyQuil and pills", but I didn't. I stayed in bed and decided to fall asleep naturally like people are supposed to. In my desperation for looking for sleep I began to think about other options. Laying face down, I grabbed one of the smaller pillows and 'stuffed that shit' under my chest. I took a deep breath and thought "that was a deep breath. Deeper than usual." And I arrived to the conclusion that stuffing a pillow under your chest will allow you to take deeper breaths and just breath better. I hadn't used the pillow in its conventional way but still managed to acquire positive results.

By freeing myself of the concept that a pillow is a large cushion support for the head I was able to use pillows in any other way I can. I can get a large pillow, take everything from inside it, cut some holes and have myself a DIY sleeveless shirt. I can take some shoes, stuff them with socks and use them as pillows in a desperate occasion. Seems like a necessary evolutionary step suited well for our time.

The meaning of things is culture bound; our culture assigns things meanings that aren't explicitly there (has anybody asked why?) and this limits us tremendously. Am I proposing everything be ripped off its meaning? Fuck yeah. Culture offers us context to our present, but also limits us to what is acceptable within that culture. As someone in 'the youth of today', I see our culture only limiting us and not really providing us with any betterment. Every youth should have their culture, but one that isn't overtaken by the cognitive ability of symbolism. If I want to fuck a pillow, "Don't fuck a pillow because pillows 'aren't for' fucking" will not stop me. Have you talked to a pillow? Did it tell you it isn't for fucking? Unless you're on some hardcore Charlie Sheen, I think not. So do whatever you want with whatever you want whichever way you want it. Yeah.

5 Things You Can Do That Will Make You Feel Better (at Least Momentarily) When You're Feeling Like Shit

In order from effective/more dangerous side effects to effective/relatively no dangerous side effects.

5. Become more stupid/care less

I'm a firm believer that numbing your feelings can be very beneficial/counterproductive and can help you get past problems/become so self aware that you cease to feel genuine emotions. By becoming stupid, you become like everyone else. Stupid people are people only because they are biologically active, that's their only relevant 'human attribute'. Stupid people are everywhere, they are dumb by choice and live happier lives than the non-stupid. 'Ignorance is bliss'. By disassociating yourself from any thing/one that may cause you despair, you are courageously running away from the source of the problem because you can't win and you're tired. You must be careful though, when choosing to become stupid or stop caring because you will feel great (for a while). (For a while) You will feel great and think "Wow. By not caring I am able to live 'happy' because nothing affects me. Why did I barely start not caring?". And suddenly, you realize that you can't feel anymore. Any value any feeling once had has disappeared into the bleakness of your life. You try to remember what genuine feeling felt like but you can't remember, feeling is not something you can 'remember'. You will probably spend the rest of your life attempting to relate to others and trying to feel again, but you will fail. You will only feel like you feel like you're relating to others and feel like you feel again. But you really won't.

4. Write things

"Writing is the key to understanding yourself" said some dude on his blog, trying to sound all meaningful and deep. It is not clear how 'deep' and 'meaningful' this dude really is, but writing really can help you understand yourself when you're in the dark abyss of depression. Being able to eloquently place your ideas into written words is good for the socially awkward; those who struggle to connect words into sentences IRL, in real time. Writing allows you the freedom of stopping/taking time to put meaning behind your words before the sentence is finished. It took me 5 minutes to structure the meaning I wanted to convey in/with my words in the previous sentence, but I was able to say exactly what I wanted you to understand. Sometimes you can get too comfortable writing everything down. You feel like you don't need the world, and that's fine with you consciously. But after some time you'll subconsciously start to feel like the world doesn't need you. That will bother you. But you can just stop writing and go outside and you will probably be okay.

3. Drugs

Bob your head from side to side while humming a nostalgic 80's sounding synth pop song. Be outside and see the sun and things that are outside usually. You will feel good for like 1 1/2 - 2 hours. You won't worry and will feel calm. You'll get really hungry probably, but you'll be fine. Drugs don't really hurt anyone, well not all. They can certainly harm you, though most of that harm is probably psychological when you get 'addicted'. What is even worse though, is getting 'over' drugs. When they're not making you bob your head from side to side while humming a nostalgic 80's sounding synth pop song. When you don't wanna be outside and see the sun and other things that are outside usually. When you 'get over' drugs you're running out of options. 'Burning bridges' or whatever.

2. Have meaningless sex with someone

'What a better way to forget your sorrows than by having meaningless sex with someone?' Having sex is fun. Having fun will usually make you feel better, at least an orgasm will. There's really no other way I could explain why having meaningless sex with someone can make you feel better. In a bizarrely twisted parallel dimension, having meaningless sex with someone will make you feel worse. Having (a lot of) sex (with a lot of people) just to make yourself feel better may cause you to forget the connection between emotions and sexual drive. You will want to have sex with someone to feel happy, and you do. But after it, you realize it's not what you want/need to make you happy. But that's okay because you got a nut, felt on some boobs and nobody got hurt. You'll just go back to where you were before.

1. Binge eat

The kind of happiness you get from binge eating is a different/subconscious happiness. When you're eating you don't really know you're happy, but you are. Get a couple of generic branded snack bags and eat like 10 of them, almost forgetting you've been eating them all night. 'Blackout eat'. It is only after you stop eating that you realize you felt happy eating... well maybe not happy but 'mild'. Eating makes you feel good without you knowing. So anything you eat will make you 'mild', but not all will satisfy you. Binge eating actually sets the standard for satisfaction up so high that it is very hard to truly feel 'satisfied' after eating food for 4 hours. You eat out of boredom. But that's fine because you'll be alright as long as you keep eating.

(You may replace 'binge eat', 'binge eating' 'eating' for 'buy things', 'buying things' and 'buying' to get a new thing you can do to make yourself feel better (at least momentarily) when you're feeling like shit)

The 'Adventures' of a Zebra and an Antelope

A zebra woke up at 8:30 a.m. and checked its cellphone. He was supposed to go to a friend's house to smoke weed before going to school. There was a message from the zebra's friend saying not to go to his house because they couldn't smoke weed there. The zebra replied "Alrite. I'll go back to sleep". His friend sung him a lullaby with his mermaid-like voice and then he fell asleep.

The zebra woke up like an hour later and stayed in bed for ten minutes before getting up, putting some clothes on and walking out of his room. He made breakfast. An egg and cheese sandwich. The zebra's mom volunteered to make his breakfast but he said he only liked it when he did it itself, but thanks anyways. The zebra made some coffee, grabbed some fruits, some instant ramen for later and drove to school.

He went to class and took notes, asked questions and didn't talk to anybody.He didn't talk to anybody at school. It had been a while since he had talked to somebody. He sometimes felt like he wanted to talk to girls. He looked at them, but not for long. He thought everyone was stupid and tried not to think so much that he felt alone because he was better off that way.

He sat on a table on the sun. It was hot, but when the clouds covered the sun it wasn't. He did some homework. There was people around him but he didn't acknowledge their existence. He listened to music. Then he met with his antelope friend. The zebra thought the antelope was funny and actually enjoyed being around him for a while.

They went to get their microwave food and filled it up with water and put it in the microwave inside the science, math and engineering building. It always smelled like food in there. People in school took food from home and put it in the microwave, then ate. It smelled like garlic or something. They ate their food. The zebra had taken an Adderall pill earlier to help him focus in his test for the next class. Though he didn't really need it because he had learned how to do all his math problems in his calculator. He thought it was funny and sad that before he would cheat off of people to be able to pass, now he cheated off a machine. But it was fine because he needed to pass. The end always justifies the means.

The people in his math class were sitting in different seats than their usual ones. "Maybe it's 'backwards day'" and laughed a little inside his head. He always sat in the front. He was always the only one to sit in the front. People are scared to sit in the front. There was some girl across him, on the other side of the room. She was wearing really short shorts and some Matrix-like leather boots that went up to her knee almost. She smiled at the zebra. He thought she looked like a prostitute and pretended to not have seen her smile at him.

Somebody asked him a question and he answered with the fewest possible words. He talked to his teacher, he felt he could be the teacher's 'friend' more easily than he could befriend any other person in the classroom. They were all stupid. Especially the girls. They all seemed plasticky and fake and like they didn't have a brain and would probably ask "what kind of car do you drive?" to start a conversation.

He was focused and alert while taking his test. He felt it all around. He finished his test fast because the calculator helped him 'solve' every problem. He shook hands with the professor and went to meet with his antelope friend. It was early and they both felt like doing something but couldn't because they had no weed. They walked around a little, went to some office, signed some papers and walked again.

They went inside the art building and the antelope said everyone in the art building looked like the Urban Outfitters spring catalog. "Hipster parade" said the zebra. Then he said he had already seen the spring catalog but wasn't going to spend so much money on it like last time. He was going to thrift stores instead. The antelope didn't believe him.

They walked around the art building looking for someone but didn't find him. They saw a big window that faced some patio or something and stood there looking at people. There was a fat woman standing and one of them said: "Look at that fat woman". The zebra said she looked like a meatball. The antelope said she had no neck. She lit a cigarette up and they laughed and said "And she smokes!" or something that. The zebra said she looked like a cancer ball now.

Some girls passed by and they checked them out. They walked down the stairs and the zebra and antelope were going to follow them but they saw that there were stairs leading up. They were in the third floor so logically the stairs could only take them to the roof because the building only had three floors. They walked up the stairs and found an isolated 'chill area' and a door. There was also a rose taped onto the wall. 'I love you' was written on the door and something about being someone's Valentine. Since the rose was still there, whoever put it there probably got rejected and spent Valentine's day alone, feeling stupid for having done that in the first place.

The isolated 'chill area' reminded the zebra of High School and how couples would make out at isolated 'chill areas' after school. "You could make out with someone here" said the zebra. "You can even get a ghetto girl and have sex with her here" said the antelope.

They went back downstairs to the second floor and walked out into a terrace or whatever. "The adventures of ______ and ________" said the antelope. "These are some boring 'adventures'" said the zebra.

They walked and rested against a handrail while looking at people. They shared some slices of pineapple. There was a guy and a girl in wheelchairs and they both thought it was funny. "We should get wheelchairs" said the antelope. "We should hold hands and roll around in our wheelchairs" said the zebra. They both laughed a little. They checked out a girl that passed by. "Widdit". "We should get married on our wheelchairs and attach some strings to some cans and tie them to the back of our wheelchairs" said the zebra. The antelope shook his head in a disapproving manner but they both knew it was funny.

The antelope told the zebra he sounded like a zebra. "You sound like an antelope" said the zebra to the antelope.

The zebra talked about a time he got a blowjob on a sidewalk at four in the morning. He thought that was probably the 'craziest thing' he had done. They discussed whether blowjobs or sex were better. The antelope said sex was better, but he's biased because he has a girlfriend.

They discussed whether it was gay that they were leaning against a handrail, sharing slices of pineapple, talking about (lonely) feelings, with the sun setting in the background. "No because I'm always talking about how I'm alone anyways" said the zebra.

Then they left. The antelope stayed at school and the zebra went home.

While driving home the zebra thought a lot of things. He thought about objectivity. How he really liked using the word 'objectivity' or any of its derivatives. He thought about the concept of meaning and how pointless it is. Things don't have objective meanings, they depend on the context they are laid upon. Humans give things meaning, meanings that aren't there to begin with. Humans made their lives harder in the search of making them easier. Nothing meant anything. Existence meant nothing. There was no 'point' to anything. This used to make the zebra depressed but he had gotten over it now sort of. He felt better.

He thought he was having an 'epiphany' but then remembered how he didn't like it when people used that word so he decided he wasn't having one.

The zebra drove in the traffic and thought it was caused by an accident. "Only stupid people have accidents" thought the zebra. Careless people. He listened to music and sang and danced in his car. He got home and spent the rest of the day on the computer. Then he fell asleep.

A Poem by Rei Ayanami from Neon Genesis Evangelion

Mountain. Heavy is mountain.

The thing that changes through a long time.

Sky. Blue sky. The thing visible, the thing invisible.

Sun. The unique thing.

Water. The thing agreeable. Commander Ikari.

Flowers. Many things alike. Many things useless.

Sky. Red, red sky. Red colour. Red colour that I hate.

Water flow. Blood. The smell of blood. A woman that doesn't bleed.

Made from red soil is a human.

Made by a man and a woman is a human.

Town. The thing that human made.

Eva. The thing that human made.

Human is what? The thing that God made.

Human is the thing that human made.

The things that I own are life and mind.

The vessel of mind. Entry plug, the throne of the soul.

Who is this? This is I.

Who is I? What is I? What is I? What is I? What is I?

I am myself. This object is I. The figure that forms me.

I visible, thought feel as if not I. Funny impression.

My body seems like melting.

I don't see myself. My figure is fading away.

I am aware of someone else.

Who is there in front of me?

Ikari-kun.

I know this guy. Major Katsuragi.

Dr. Akagi.

People, my classmates.

Pilot of unit 02.

Commander Ikari.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you?