Sometimes I Feel Like (People See Me Like) This

Whatever Happened to Being an Adult?/My Extended Teenage Years, But Not Really

July 12th will be my last day as a teenager. I'm turning twenty on July 13th. If it was 2004, someone would say I'm becoming an adult. Not today though. Today, it is unclear what one becomes after the teenage years. Yeah, the suffix 'teen' won't appear at the end of my age but, so what? Is that supposed to automatically make me an adult?

I will turn twenty in less than 5 months. I have never had a job. Sure it would be nice to, but I've never 'actually tried'. I turn in some applications every once in a while, I never get called back. Repeat. Isn't an adult supposed to have responsibilities and care about stuff?

I tuck in my shirt and wear 'old people clothes' but only to mock them, not because I feel like I'm ready to dress like an adult.

I'm clearly in no rush of 'becoming an adult'. My life is easy. I go to school, have a home, get free money, etc. I don't remember ever working for anything. I guess what I want to know is if I'll live past my twenties. Not in a literal sense. But will I ever 'feel the stress' of being an adult? Having responsibilities? Caring about things? Want to 'get married'? Form a family? I ask myself these questions not because I want to get to that point in my life, but because I feel that I will not ever feel them.

I used to be scared of turning twenty. I thought it would be 'the next step' of whatever it is I'm escalating. However, today, that seems silly and unrealistic. I will just keep going to school. I will keep getting my free money. And I won't care about stuff. I wonder if I'll still be able to compete 'in the real world'.

I've arrived to the conclusion that really the only thing that will change is the feeling. I won't feel like a teenager anymore. I know that this should come as obvious, things change. I just don't want the only feeling I feel when I turn twenty to be nostalgia. Those summer evenings spent smoking weed, riding bikes. Feeling good instead of 'not so bad' or alright. Long make out sessions. That sense of discovery when exploring someone else's body with your hands for the first time. Having girlfriends. Feeling genuinely close to/with someone. I won't be able to feel those things like I did then, even when I relive them. It just won't be the same. Shit, I can't do that now and I'm still a 'teenager'. Really makes me question and examine the things I know to be true and maybe, realize that things are never objective and clear.

How To Spend Your President's Day

Wake up like at 8 a.m. then realize it's still early and go back to sleep. Be scared you might struggle falling asleep again but don't. Wake up again like at 10:43. Try go to back to sleep, but it's 10:43 so you don't. Check your email/Facebook/Twitter on your cellphone without getting out of bed. Think about how you would've maybe liked to go to that party last night. It seems like everyone had fun. So many inside jokes you won't get. So many memories that will be talked about for like 1~2 days. And you weren't a part of it. You're part of nothing.

Feel like you miss going to parties and getting drunk and making out with people. But then remember that's how you became the lonely person you are today. Maybe you shouldn't have gone to parties and got drunk and made out with people to begin with. That's not really 'who you are'. Maybe you're more like the type to have a bottle of Absolut vodka in his room and drink it with orange juice alone at night, then watch some stuff on Netflix.

Browse the web for another hour. Read the newest article on Thought Catalog and watch some cat videos. At 11:51 realize it's 11:51 and you haven't had breakfast. You're not hungry. But you have a lot of time so you decide to make some fancy breakfast. You deserve it. Google "easy breakfast recipes". They all look very tedious and like they will take a long time. You have no time to waste so you settle for French toast with caramelized bananas that you learned from your friend who is a chef the day before, after you came back from riding bikes.

Get out of bed at 12:01 and go to the kitchen. Remember how sore you are from riding bikes. Remember how you almost passed out yesterday because you were so out of shape. Make breakfast and go back to your room to eat while watching season four of Heroes. Drink some coffee. Spend the next 5~7.5 hours half-heartedly doing stuff on the internet. Occasionally begin other tasks but never really finish them. Hope somebody would visit you.

All through the day, think broadly of things like sushi, morals, weed, negativity, hope/hopelessness, super powers, boobs, making out, blogs/blogging, cheese, bacon, any combination of cheese and bacon, truth, green eyes, a county fair, 'being hornie', being lonely, peeing, maps, ghosts, sex, Nutella, crabs and other things.

Work out at night. 50 pushups and 50 crunches. Five sets of ten. Shower. Shave. Go to bed around 10 and spend the next two hours on the internet. Try to go to sleep at midnight, but you probably won't be able to because you're not tired. You didn't do anything all day. Another day gone to waste.

My Expectations for 'The Future'

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My expectations for the future are low to non-existent. More often the latter. Even the concept of 'the future' seems kind of antiquated and outdated for life sometimes. Life's like one big day maybe, like something linear or something.

It has been a long time since I realistically said "I want to be a(n) ________ when I grow up". I think I'm gonna be a student forever. Living for free. Getting money for going to school, even if I don't really want to. I only do it because of the money. I conformed. I'll live life passively and be fed. I feel like a whore sometimes. I don't know what I would be doing if I wasn't going to school. Probably some other thing I would hate. Not that I hate school, I like school. I like learning stuff. I just hate that I'm only going to school because I get to live easy and not because it's my choice or whatever.

I'm probably going to be alone for a really long time. Unless I 'make a move'. There's only one girl I think I may possibly like. But I'm really awkward and don't really know what to do. I forgot how to act around someone I like. If I don't do anything to make something happen with her I'm going to be really mad at myself, possibly for a long time. And I'll just be alone for even more time. I've began writing things around in my room to remind me. I feel motivated. I'll eat bananas because they make me healthy. I'll want to be around. But if that doesn't happen I'll be unhappy.

My life is probably gonna be like this for a while. I'll go through little periods of happiness, then reach new lows. The cycle just started.

How To Not Care About Anything (Or Give Off The Impression That You Don't)

Not caring about stuff is a vital part of living a numb, neutral life. Not caring about stuff can get you through (the toughest moments of your) life. It's like if you had cancer. Cancer is painful. Life is painful. Cancer = life. According to some study, the best way to get through cancer is by numbing your pain. Drugs numb your pain. Not caring numbs your pain. Drugs = not caring. The best way to get through life is by not caring (being on drugs).

Do not confuse lack of care for not being informed. Be aware of everything around you, the net. Knowing what's happening around you is the best way to determine the things you won't care about. Undoubtedly, the easiest part about not caring about stuff is not caring about the factual concrete things that are right in front of you. It's easy to walk past a dead body. It's easy to not donate a quarter of a dollar to HIV people. It's easy to turn your head the other way when facing something you're 'supposed to care (feel something) about'. This will 'lay the foundation' for the hardest part of not caring about stuff.

The hardest part about not caring about stuff is not caring about your own feelings. As backwards as it may seem, not caring about your own feelings is the most selfish thing a person can do. By not caring about your own feelings and thoughts for the sake of easing your life by relieving yourself of the whole 'feeling feelings' thing, you are completely cutting off chances of getting hurt. You're diminishing whatever importance feelings held once before in your life. Anger. Happiness. Love. Sadness. All the feelings you once felt have now became a mega (lack of) feeling. Bleakness. Bleakness will allow you to ignore your own feelings and not get hurt.

Time will pass, you will feel less and less everyday. Your life will be bleaker. You won't be happy, or sad, or angry, or lovely. You will be bleak. "Life in Bleak" would be a good title for a book. "Back to Bleak" can be a good title for a sophomore album that will let some people down, but if you stick around you'll be satisfied when "4eaea Bleak" is released. The band's third album, a crowning achievement of bleakness. A whole bunch of nothing.

When living a bleak life you will sometimes feel like you feel like you're a shell of a person. But you won't care. You'll wanna scream all the time. You will feel like you feel very lonely, more than lonely really. Alienated. You will not be able to relate to any-one/thing because you don't remember how to feel (empathy). You will feel like you feel like you're trapped in your own life. You will wake up every morning and think "It's a nice day for the world to end." You will feel like a rat sometimes. You will spend hours in front of your computer, doing pointless things. 'Interacting' with other bleak people online. Like if you put two robots in a room. They will share information. They will share what they think are their feelings. They will share what they think are their fears. They will share their deepest secrets, without really knowing the other robot. Only because it is the only thing they know how to do. Bitch. And because they're that alone. Not because they care, or feel pain. But because when you don't feel feelings, it's the only thing you can really do to feel like you feel again. But you're walking in circles. You're a recycling bin. You're eating your own shit. But at least you won't feel.

Can robots friend other robots?

50 Things I Could Celebrate on February 14th Instead of Valentine's Day

1. 7155th Day from My Date Of Birth

2.7155th Day of Waking Up Every Morning

3. 7155th Day When I May or May Not Die

4. Karl Marx Day

5. 149 Days til My Birthday Day

6. Bacon Day

7. Cheese Day

8. Burger Day

9. Bacon Cheese Burger Day

10. One Day Closer to Apple Releasing Another Product Day

11. What Could've Been Day

12. 20 Piece Chicken McNuggets for 5 Dollars Day

13. Pizza Day

14. Taco Bell

15. No Smoking Day

16. Smoking Day

17. Sexting

18. Reverse Cowgirl Day

19. Crappy Valentine's Day [DAY WHEN YOU RELIVE THE LAST VALENTINE'S DAY YOU ACTUALLY CELEBRATED]

20. P0rn

21. Irony

22. Addiction to Caffeine Day

23. Drugs

24. Day Dyslexic

25. Spankwire Day

26. Forever Alone Day

27. Moral Relativity Day

28. Nihilism

29. I Still Don't Have a Job Day

30. Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches

31. Dinner at Applebee's Day

32. Consumerism

33. Another Day Not Smoking Cigarettes

34. Being Awesome Day

35. My Lack Of Dependency on Others

36. Ex-Girlfriend Day

37. Heroes

38. Gorilla vs. Bear Day

39. Caturday

40. Sex [SELF NOT INCLUDED]

41. I'm Almost Getting My Money

42. Nerd Day

43. Crushing On Your Professor Day

44. Weed

45. Bacon Day Again

46. People Fighting Outside of Rite Aid and Being Able to Capture the Moment

47. iPads

48. Electronic Music

49. Cheese Day

50. That some people still believe in god and I'm not one of them

Here's a love song

An In-Depth Analysis of the Feelings I Feel and the Thoughts I Think When Listening to Radiohead's Kid A

Kid A by Radiohead is my favorite album because it makes me feel understood. Each song makes me feel negative feelings. But this makes me happy because that lets me know that someone understand the way I feel, even if it's someone I may never meet. It also marked the beginning of the end of the material era, heralding the informational age. It captures the feeling of emptiness I feel when spending days only with my computer.

1. Everything In Its Right Place

Calm and comforting, in a slightly twisted way. I listen to this song when I feel like everything is going wrong. Like after I do really bad on a math test or when I feel like shit. It is possible that this song influenced me to become the perfectionist neat-freak I became after not leaving my room for two weeks, or not. I cleaned up my whole room and made sure everything looked even and symmetrical. This song would play in the background of a post-apocalyptic cyber/nuclear wasteland. When no human has survived. But it would be nice because we don't exist anymore and we would be happy not existing.

2. Kid A

This is my favorite song. It makes me feel like I'm in a giant white room where every sound echoes on for a really long time. But it's mostly quiet so I just feel really alone. There's a baby in the middle of the room in a cradle but he's quiet, sometimes I think he's dead because he doesn't move or make any baby noises. I listen to this song all the time and when I feel like shit. This song makes me think of the future when human beings cease to be biological beings and choose to become synthetic beings. Robots. I think I like this song so much because I'm in love with the idea of a dehumanized human. A shell of a person. Every quality and 'virtue' we knew to be human ceased to be. Some other times I feel like I'm floating in an enclosed space. A giant white box maybe.

3. The National Anthem

The opposite of Everything In Its Right Place. Everything is a mess. I think this song would've been the right song to play on giant speakers when the 9/11 attacks happened. Except some people would've just died from desperation. Also for wars.

4. How to Disappear Completely (And Never Be Found Again)

This is the saddest song I've heard. Sometimes sad songs make me feel happy. Not this one. I think this would be the song someone would write before drinking a suicide pill. A complete sense of disconnection from anything or anyone in this world would probably drive someone to write this song. The feeling that you really are alone in this world and no one can understand the way you feel.

5. Treefingers

This song makes me feel like I'm floating in water face down. Maybe a pool inside a very large church. And maybe unconscious. But still with my eyes open, but can't really see anything because it is dark underwater. Swimming along with deep sea fish, the strange ones with lights on their bodies and stuff.

6. Optimistic

Hopeful but frustrating. It reminds me of times when I felt it was worth 'fighting' for something but no results were ever reached and I just wanted to give up. Like trying to make parents reason or having a conversation with Bill O'Reilly.

7. In Limbo

I listen to this song when I feel like shit also. Being stuck in a situation you don't really mind being stuck in, though it would be nice knowing you can get out. I think of my life that way sometimes. I'm in control of nothing around me.

8. Idioteque

Extreme manic attack. Desperation. Anxiety. I think this song could be used to psychologically torture people. Like just give them a bunch of drugs and give them some Bose headphones and make them sit through all the screaming and pleading. I sing this song sometimes and by the end I'm screaming or repeating "if I lost any children, if I lost any children, if I lost if I lost if I lost any children" over and over. I also shake my head violently as if I were saying no in an aggressive manner. Or move my body like if I was in a psychological trauma, forward and back. Forward and back. I listen to this song when I feel like shit.

9. Morning Bell

Calm also. I don't know why this song makes me think of an enjoyable breakfast. Maybe because it has the word 'morning' in the title.

10. Motion Picture Soundtrack

I think this is the sound people hear when life is leaving their body before they die. Relief. Brought by being finally done. The relief of just existing or not existing, but not living anymore.

How To Be Like Me

Think a lot. Like, all the time. About anything really. How you're always alone, how you can't like people, how that girl in your communications class is really attractive but she's such an idiot. Think about how everyone you meet is retarded and you will only have two choices for the future, settle down with an 'ok person' and die unsatisfied or reject commitment and die alone. Live in the present but be bothered by the future.

Set up your alarm clock at an uneven, odd hour, like 8:03 a.m. or 7:58 a.m. or something like that. After you wake up stay in bed for like 4 minutes. Snooze sometimes. Sleep naked. Check for the weather on your cellphone before you get dressed so you know if you should wear a sweater or not. Make your own lazy breakfast, like an egg burrito or a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Drink a tall cup of coffee everyday, no milk and a small amount of sugar. Don't go to Starbucks because their coffee is overpriced and not even that great anyways. Sing when you're in the car, only if you're alone though. But you always are so yeah, go ahead and sing. Listen to Kid A by Radiohead a lot, and hum the beginning at random times during the day. Sometimes you'll hum it so much the people around you will get annoyed. When walking in a public place, like school, try to make eye contact with people only to see what their reaction will be. Most of the times they'll look away. Sit in front row seats for all your classes and talk to your professors. Be a 'teacher's pet'. Join the philosophy club. Do really well in all social sciences but struggle in mathematics. Have no real friends at school.

When you get back home from school, have a snack. Eat some generic branded cheese crackers [SEA CREATURES] and drink some orange juice. Or eat a banana. Instead of tearing open the banana at the stem, just flip the banana over and open it by pinching the stem. Like monkeys do. Major in anthropology, incline towards primatology but do cultural anthropology. Waste time by watching stuff on Netflix. The Office and Heroes are good choices. Leave Netflix playing on one tab but open a different one and browse the web as Netflix plays in the background. Use Google Chrome web browser. Sometimes watch movies but grow tired of them quick and just watch something else. Have a short attention/memory span. Listen to Kid A by Radiohead. When you're feeling lonelier than usual (or once a month), watch the 26 episodes and the movie of anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. After watching it feel really alone, isolated and robot-like. But feel understood so you get over it soon. Feel neutral about knowing what you know and being who you are, even if it makes you sad.

Have a lot of 'crushes'. Sometimes they'll be fictional characters like Rei Ayanami from Neon Genesis Evangelion. Sometimes they'll be real but unattainable like Alice Glass from Crystal Castles or Mexican pop artist Natalia LaFourcade. Sometimes they'll be people you know, like your communications professor or that girl you saw walking once. Attempt to be healthy, by your (my) own definition. Eat at least 3 fruits a day. And some vegetables, if possible. Drink a lot of water. Think "I'm gonna start working out", then do for like three or four weeks but then stop. Repeat.

Always be connected to the internet. Let it be an extension of yourself. Constantly check your bookmarked sites. Hipster Runoff. Pitchfork Media. The Daily What. Thought Catalog. Engadget. Flavorwire. Gorilla vs. Bear music blog. Sex in Art. Club Fonograma. Etc. Think of clever things to post to your social media sites with the purpose of extending your personal brand. Feel good when a lot of people 'like' the things you post or pictures of yourself. When you're really bored spend hours on StumbleUpon. Find funny or interesting things to post. Go days without smiling or talking to anyone IRL, or at least have that feeling. Don't eat after seven unless you have smoked weed previously. If you have smoked weed previously, eat. A lot. Develop a growing fondness for cooking your own food. Have a lot of creative ideas but capitalize at seldom occasions.

Shower at nite, before going to bed. Shave every three days, sometimes four if you want to feel manly by having some stubble. Go to bed at around 11 but don't actually attempt to go to sleep until like 12:30 a.m. Struggle to fall asleep. Sometimes masturbate when you can't sleep. That won't help but it's a nice pastime. Listen to Kid A by Radiohead and move from one side of your bed to the other. Fall asleep and dream about strange things.