How To Be Like Me

Think a lot. Like, all the time. About anything really. How you're always alone, how you can't like people, how that girl in your communications class is really attractive but she's such an idiot. Think about how everyone you meet is retarded and you will only have two choices for the future, settle down with an 'ok person' and die unsatisfied or reject commitment and die alone. Live in the present but be bothered by the future.

Set up your alarm clock at an uneven, odd hour, like 8:03 a.m. or 7:58 a.m. or something like that. After you wake up stay in bed for like 4 minutes. Snooze sometimes. Sleep naked. Check for the weather on your cellphone before you get dressed so you know if you should wear a sweater or not. Make your own lazy breakfast, like an egg burrito or a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Drink a tall cup of coffee everyday, no milk and a small amount of sugar. Don't go to Starbucks because their coffee is overpriced and not even that great anyways. Sing when you're in the car, only if you're alone though. But you always are so yeah, go ahead and sing. Listen to Kid A by Radiohead a lot, and hum the beginning at random times during the day. Sometimes you'll hum it so much the people around you will get annoyed. When walking in a public place, like school, try to make eye contact with people only to see what their reaction will be. Most of the times they'll look away. Sit in front row seats for all your classes and talk to your professors. Be a 'teacher's pet'. Join the philosophy club. Do really well in all social sciences but struggle in mathematics. Have no real friends at school.

When you get back home from school, have a snack. Eat some generic branded cheese crackers [SEA CREATURES] and drink some orange juice. Or eat a banana. Instead of tearing open the banana at the stem, just flip the banana over and open it by pinching the stem. Like monkeys do. Major in anthropology, incline towards primatology but do cultural anthropology. Waste time by watching stuff on Netflix. The Office and Heroes are good choices. Leave Netflix playing on one tab but open a different one and browse the web as Netflix plays in the background. Use Google Chrome web browser. Sometimes watch movies but grow tired of them quick and just watch something else. Have a short attention/memory span. Listen to Kid A by Radiohead. When you're feeling lonelier than usual (or once a month), watch the 26 episodes and the movie of anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. After watching it feel really alone, isolated and robot-like. But feel understood so you get over it soon. Feel neutral about knowing what you know and being who you are, even if it makes you sad.

Have a lot of 'crushes'. Sometimes they'll be fictional characters like Rei Ayanami from Neon Genesis Evangelion. Sometimes they'll be real but unattainable like Alice Glass from Crystal Castles or Mexican pop artist Natalia LaFourcade. Sometimes they'll be people you know, like your communications professor or that girl you saw walking once. Attempt to be healthy, by your (my) own definition. Eat at least 3 fruits a day. And some vegetables, if possible. Drink a lot of water. Think "I'm gonna start working out", then do for like three or four weeks but then stop. Repeat.

Always be connected to the internet. Let it be an extension of yourself. Constantly check your bookmarked sites. Hipster Runoff. Pitchfork Media. The Daily What. Thought Catalog. Engadget. Flavorwire. Gorilla vs. Bear music blog. Sex in Art. Club Fonograma. Etc. Think of clever things to post to your social media sites with the purpose of extending your personal brand. Feel good when a lot of people 'like' the things you post or pictures of yourself. When you're really bored spend hours on StumbleUpon. Find funny or interesting things to post. Go days without smiling or talking to anyone IRL, or at least have that feeling. Don't eat after seven unless you have smoked weed previously. If you have smoked weed previously, eat. A lot. Develop a growing fondness for cooking your own food. Have a lot of creative ideas but capitalize at seldom occasions.

Shower at nite, before going to bed. Shave every three days, sometimes four if you want to feel manly by having some stubble. Go to bed at around 11 but don't actually attempt to go to sleep until like 12:30 a.m. Struggle to fall asleep. Sometimes masturbate when you can't sleep. That won't help but it's a nice pastime. Listen to Kid A by Radiohead and move from one side of your bed to the other. Fall asleep and dream about strange things.