Whatever Happened to Being an Adult?/My Extended Teenage Years, But Not Really

July 12th will be my last day as a teenager. I'm turning twenty on July 13th. If it was 2004, someone would say I'm becoming an adult. Not today though. Today, it is unclear what one becomes after the teenage years. Yeah, the suffix 'teen' won't appear at the end of my age but, so what? Is that supposed to automatically make me an adult?

I will turn twenty in less than 5 months. I have never had a job. Sure it would be nice to, but I've never 'actually tried'. I turn in some applications every once in a while, I never get called back. Repeat. Isn't an adult supposed to have responsibilities and care about stuff?

I tuck in my shirt and wear 'old people clothes' but only to mock them, not because I feel like I'm ready to dress like an adult.

I'm clearly in no rush of 'becoming an adult'. My life is easy. I go to school, have a home, get free money, etc. I don't remember ever working for anything. I guess what I want to know is if I'll live past my twenties. Not in a literal sense. But will I ever 'feel the stress' of being an adult? Having responsibilities? Caring about things? Want to 'get married'? Form a family? I ask myself these questions not because I want to get to that point in my life, but because I feel that I will not ever feel them.

I used to be scared of turning twenty. I thought it would be 'the next step' of whatever it is I'm escalating. However, today, that seems silly and unrealistic. I will just keep going to school. I will keep getting my free money. And I won't care about stuff. I wonder if I'll still be able to compete 'in the real world'.

I've arrived to the conclusion that really the only thing that will change is the feeling. I won't feel like a teenager anymore. I know that this should come as obvious, things change. I just don't want the only feeling I feel when I turn twenty to be nostalgia. Those summer evenings spent smoking weed, riding bikes. Feeling good instead of 'not so bad' or alright. Long make out sessions. That sense of discovery when exploring someone else's body with your hands for the first time. Having girlfriends. Feeling genuinely close to/with someone. I won't be able to feel those things like I did then, even when I relive them. It just won't be the same. Shit, I can't do that now and I'm still a 'teenager'. Really makes me question and examine the things I know to be true and maybe, realize that things are never objective and clear.