Update on Things

Hello people who read my blog. Thank you for reading this and having ever read/shared/linked my blog. I recently hit the 4k views mark and it felt really nice so thanks. Thanks for your RT's, reblogs and your 'likes', you're way kewl.

I have not been posting on this blog because I've been saving my blog posts to release them all together in a PDF file some time in the near future as some sort of 'collection' thing. I expect to have the desired amount of posts pretty soon so it should be 'out' by the end of February potentially.

I am 81% sure this image macro I made will be the 'final' cover/title of it unless I can come up with something better.

I will include a lot of new work in it as well some things I've already posted. I will try to get things 'leaked' by people.

I hope you are excited. I am. Buzz me please.

Which Alt Lit Persons Are Gonna Kill Themselves

I feel like people in the internet understand me more than people I know IRL.

On the internet -and especially and more noticeably in the 'alt lit scene'- we seem to be bound together by the common themes of existential despair, social anxiety, post-ironic irony and bleakness, all brought about by our heightened level of self-awareness.

Philosopher Albert Camus proposes three solutions to the dilemma of searching from meaning in a meaningless world: acceptance of the absurd, becoming religious/spiritual/ and suicide.

I think it is all narrowed down to whether you've killed yourself yet or not. By not killing yourself you are accepting the retardedness of it all and hoping (at best) that something will go right. By killing yourself you are escaping it all very bravely. Sometimes not being seems more appealing than being.

I've came up with a list of the likeliness of alt lit writers killing themselves. I took into consideration personal brand, published work, social media status updates and interactions I've had with them.

• Steve Roggenbuck- Steve is not going to kill himself. Steve lives his life. Steve loves his life. He loves his wife and children. He loves the life he lives. Steve likes to make people happy and it works. Every time I talk to Steve I feel a little or a lot more boosted. Seems like Steve found something he likes to do and will 'keep him going'. Sometimes I wonder if it is tiring to be Steve Roggenbuck, to be boosted/boosting all the time. I know we all have dark times and I wonder if Steve feels like he can't have dark times. It's okay Stevie bb, cry on my shoulder. <3 u. 
• Ana Carrete- I have not been exposed to as much work by Ana as I have other writers. I read her newly released poetry collection titled Pinky Promise Me This and I liked it a lot. In it, she talks about moving into a house with a lot of people (she presumably likes) and making romantic porn and being happy. This leads me to think Ana feels alienated from the people with whom she would not want to live and does not feel happy with them. She talks about the difficulty she faces when socializing with other girls. I've read some interviews of her and she seems to share the overall fucked feeling we're all familiar with. She follows me on Twitter and has favorited some of my more depressing tweets. I think there's a 38% chance Ana Carrete will kill herself. 
• Tao Lin- I honestly have no idea if Tao Lin would kill himself. It is widely known that Tao is aware of the bleakness of it all (others think he invented it). I have never felt more fucked in my life than when reading Insomnia for a Better Tomorrow from his collection of stories Bed. I have never felt more trapped in a relationship than when reading Richard Yates. It feels as if Tao is so familiar with the bleakness that he can masterfully craft his words to convey such feeling. However, Tao's online presence suggests otherwise. His tweets are the most neutral of things. He narrates his life/thoughts without offering a hint of his attitude towards his own actions/thoughts. He lives an unbiased life. This makes me realize that maybe I am the bleak one for finding such neutral descriptions depressing, but then I realize that they are depressing, life is. So I don't know. I guess I would/wouldn't be surprised if Tao Lin did/didn't kill himself. 
• Jordan Castro- I haven't read much of Jordan Castro's work other than some Thought Catalog articles, about social media I think. I read some poems published by him on Shallow. Jordan seems aware of the bleakness but he tweets pretty funny things, not funny in the sad and funny way but as in comical. I've seen some videos of him: the Alt Lit Gossip Awards and his interview with Megan Boyle. Seems like he's on drugs a lot. That seems like a viable way of dealing with reality. I think Jordan Castro will probably not kill himself but if he does it will be an (accidental) drug overdose. 
• Megan Boyle- Seems like Megan Boyle is very neutral as well. I remember in her book selected unpublished blogposts of a mexican panda express employee, all her things read with a lot of detachment with occasional details that made it strangely personal. In her interview by Jordan Castro, Megan seems like she is okay. She talks about her relationships in the past and how she expects the other person to 'be each other'. I understand what she means and it feels very fucked because no one can be exactly like you, even though it sounds ideal. She feels condemned but then she laughs so it seems like she's accepting it. I don't know, this is hard to determine, but I think there's a 18% chance that Megan Boyle will kill herself. 
• Spencer Madsen- Spencer Madsen is the most depressing person I know on the internet. I've read some of his poetry and it's pretty depressing too. Most of my perception of him comes from his tweets, which I enjoy, because they're so depressing. I saw a video of him eating squid things with a cute Asian girl yesterday and, though awkward, he seemed okay. I feel like even though Spencer is depressed as fuck he's still got some hope or something. But then again we all have hope because we haven't killed ourselves yet, so I don't know. I just don't think Spencer would kill himself. 
• Sam Pink- Sam Pink is going to kill himself, it's just a matter of time. He said it himself. Sam Pink is hyper-aware of the fuckedness of it all. I like reading his Formspring advice column. Yesterday somebody asked him "what is life?" and he crafted a beautiful, meaningful response, in the sense that I totally understood what he is saying. He senses the tiredness of everything. Everything feels old and like it's been done. This is incredibly depressing. He lists all the changes he has made in his life and how these haven't reflected at all in his attitude towards people and life in general. Seems like there's a need to change [something] in one to make things better, but even as we change and keep changing everything keeps going to shit. Sam Pink said he'd kill himself when he got tired of making books, music and drawings. 

i think of not long ago
every time i'm trying to sleep
so maybe i can dream of you
or me with you

we never did so many things

you're so graceful
like a sea otter
and i just want to swim

i'm like a windows '98 screensaver at nite
and you were beautiful
at the same time

how can you honestly know another person?
seems impossible
unless you could be that other person

i wish we could sync
with one another's brains
like in ghost in the shell

seems like the only possible way
to get to know another person

everyone puts on a mask
of who they want to be
and kind of just become that person
to everyone outside of them
but inside are another person

how can anyone who is not me
know anything about me?

"no one can know who you really are but yourself"

that sounds motivational
i didn't mean it like that
i meant it in the depressing way

we are all so fucked

i want you to be able to
know how i feel
when i'm listening to a specific song

i want to bake you a pizza
then feed it to you
in your mouth
slice by slice

we're going to bond

i'm going to lay my head on your lap
and you will pick my hair
and i'll be very comfortable

we're not gonna go anywhere

The Stages in my Depression Cycle

I am depressed all the time, just to different levels. A lot of the time I even feel detached from my own 'depression' and don't know if it should even be called depression. It's more like bleakness -existential despair. I am depressed/bleak for many reasons and these are the levels and their description:

0-10% depressed- I am only at this low level of depression when I am drunk or on drugs. Seems like by ingesting mind altering substances the depressing thoughts that constantly surround my mind are overwritten by whatever I am doing when drunk or high. This has led me to develop a semi-addictive personality, since I like to not be depressed. I was a chronic weed smoker for two years because it made me feel good. Now I get drunk almost every weekend because it feels good. I call this 'semi-addictive behavior' because even though I do not need to be on these substances I would rather. I don't know.

15-25% depressed- I find myself at this level of depression whenever I am with people, not alone. When I am with people I feel like I have to think less and be there more. I feel like I should be lively and actively participate in the interaction. Maybe I am not really less depressed when I am with people but mask my depression very well.

40-65% depressed- This is my 'normal stage'. This is the level of depression I usually am. The things that make me depressed to this level are many common things I see around me: the way a person acts, what he/she says (usually something incredibly stupid or superficial [brought about probably by lack of self-awareness]), the mall, the music that gets played on the radio, night clubs, provocative clothes, models, money, etc. Maybe I'll write a post later of all the things that depress me. 

70-85% depressed- This is a 'danger zone'. When I am at this level of depression I know that I need to do something soon to prevent me from entering a downward spiral. I mostly arrive at this stage after prolonged periods of bleakness, stuck at previous level. This level is characterized by constant to nonstop thoughts of the things that get me depressed usually as well as questioning my life and what I am doing with it. "What am I doing with my life?" Like being depressed because I am depressed *~*meta*~*

90-100% depressed- I have only been at this level three or four times in my life. This level is usually triggered by a particular event, rather than the combination of thoughts about distressing things. The last time I was at this level was in the beginning of the year. I stayed in my room and didn't talk to anybody for a whole week. I drank vodka every night. I cleaned my room very thoroughly and organized my closet and drawers like I had never before. Every time I get out of this level I feel okay, I feel like it's gonna be harder for me to get to this level again.

The gaps between levels are transition zones. I pointed these out because that's what I can easily identify. 

It seems funny that things that are meant to depress people (depressing music, sad movies, etc) don't have that effect on me, or they do but because they don't. I feel like a robot a lot. I feel immensely detached from most things. I don't feel like I'm authentically experiencing [something] 95% of the time. 

i want to be the very best and i am not ash ketchum

i want to be the best
at every thing i do

i got a B for one of my classes
and i was angry
so angry i went like "aaaaggghhhhh, a fucking B!!?!"

i told my little brother, and he said
"a B is good"
and i said
"but it's not perfect, i want to be perfect"
he said "it's a little perfect"

i want to be the best at every thing that isn't subjective

i want to be the best student
i want  to be the best athlete
i want to be the best fucking soccer player
i want to be the best lover
i want to be the best person to be

"a little perfect"